I feel like a toddler. Like I should be doing something but my mama want me to be still. Why is it so hard to fall into rest? The art of being seems like it should be so much easier than the act of doing. Here we are, though, me trying to lean into the stillness, while my mind is running laps.
But in meditation, I'm realizing that just being allows you see the whole picture. If you are constantly moving, doing things, keeping busy, when do you get to rest? When do you get to integrate the lessons that you've learned? Even, Nature will sit the hell down for a spell. So I've been asking, what's here? Why is this important? ANNNNDDD how long we gone be here? If you know me, you know...
Instead of answers, I get more questions.
"How confident are you in your ability to just be?" Huh? Like to do nothing?
"Why do you need to be doing something?" Cause that's what we do.
"Is it, though?"
Shit is uncomfortable. It's easy to be confident in your ability to do. There is work to show how capable you, but just being...no one see that but you and God. I mean the work will be evident in how you move through life, but even then it's still not something we consider "creation". That's ok. This time isn't meant for show. It's not meant for others to see.
Being still allows you to see though. You can see how others move when you choose not to. You can see where you've been overgiving. Where you've been advising when not asked. Where you haven't had boundaries. Because the minute you pump your brakes, things start to look different. People start to act different. Clarity pulls a kick door.
I don't know. I've been here before, and I know it won't last forever, but I can't sit here and act like it's easy. I feel like I should be doing something or I'm just wasting time. I'm learning though that time with myself is never a waste of time. I'm fine-tuning my goals, and putting together what I want the next year to look like. There are so many moving pieces, and this time is allowing me to get my head together.
If you are being called inward, don't fight it. Trust me on this. It will last a lot longer if you resist. Rest up, and get your plans ready. Spring will be here before you know it.
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