Love...Scary?

I think the scariest thing I've ever done is love myself. Why do I say that? As a recovering people-pleaser, I often looked at putting myself first as selfish. That it meant I wasn't giving all that love was supposed to give. When the truth was, I was overgiving. Trying so hard to be loved, or be #relationshipgoals. All the things that my imagination and the world told me love was.

What I couldn't see was that I was dying inside.

It's really hard to explain. My ability to love myself enough to walk away is scary. Loving myself enough to say no is scary. Loving myself enough to deal with people being upset that I don't move when they ask me to is scary. Because you never know how they will react.

Love is something that I craved. Still do, but at one point, it was only the external kind that could fill my cup. So I would spend my time agonizing over whether someone truly loved me. Love is words accompanied by actions, so I would hear the words but the actions didn't match or I would see the actions, but didn't hear the words. If I verbalized how I was feeling, I was often met with "Why are you so needy?" Or "Well this is just who I am."

And of course no one wants to hear that, so I would just get back in my seat on the roller coaster, ignoring the voice telling me that this ain't it. That is, until I was ready to 'start a fight'.

I know people like to place it on mommy or daddy issues, but honestly, my daddy is top tier. And the men in my family are top tier. Uncles, cousins, Pawpaw, brother. So knowing I was loved, feeling loved, was never an issue in my childhood or even now.

Now 'mind you, their significant others may think different, but that ain't my story to tell.

It was a me thing. I was so uncomfortable with voicing what I needed in a relationship, that was willing to take crumbs just to have a love that was "mine". I know better now. The inner voice is a lot louder now, and the stomach flips are a lot less common. To be intentional with what I need from a lover is the only way to ensure that I can be the lover they need. If I'm resentful because I ain't feeling the love, then it shows up in ways that are a helluva lot less than loving.

Not only am I intentional, but I encourage those that I love to be intentional with what they need from me. Not in a demanding way, but in a way that opens honest dialogue regarding what may be missing or depleted in the connections. Getting out of my feelings was the first step. There are several more to be taken because I'm not the biggest fan of critiques.

SN: I love this gif. Because, yes, sometimes I am.

I'm truly in awe as I watch Michelle and DeAlex. To see people who have broken the code to doing relationship their way is a sight to behold. And while they both will tell you that it ain't perfect, they actively choose to work towards perfection on their own terms.

How about you? Are you open to loving yourself enough to be honest about what you need in love? Are you ready to hear what your partner(s) needs in love? Keeping communication flowing is the key to love we all deserve.