Last night I watched a movie called "Praise This" starring Chlöe Bailey on Peacock and boy did it open up a can of emotional worms. I genuinely enjoyed it and for the first time in a while I experienced unexpected JOY!! I have been actively planning moments of joy to ensure I experience it but this was an organic moment. It came seemingly out of nowhere. But then I woke up to some drama that wanted to ruin my day and I understood why it hit so hard.
The #praisethismovie that is…the freestyle Chlöe did of “who can I run to” was so personal. That’s how I feel everyday single day. Lonely and afraid, depressed and anxiety ridden and wondering if I’m making the right choices. Wondering who I can turn to when I’m troubled. I miss my friend Big John Perkins so much because Easter was his jam and in the in between times he helped me see the light when all I was surrounded by was dark.
I wanted to go to church this morning but didn’t want to be inundated with strangers social anxiety. I needed home today and I should’ve gone to my mothers so I could have some of that. I needed family and familiarity. I needed a place where I could be vulnerable. Everything feels so foreign to me some days. I’m struggling real bad and I keep smiling like I’m not but I really am.
I remember my friend Thad Winkle sharing the final Easter message that I would hear at Common Ground Church before moving to Florida 9 years ago. The resurrection is an everyday occurrence. Something has to die in order for it to live. I see the truth in this more and more each day. I only wondered what it is that had to go. It took being jolted in the spirit to remember that I know who my source is and I recognize fully what has to die in order to be resurrected. Ego, disobedience, the desire to be right, worldly acceptance…I’m already free but I haven’t acted like it. I already know who has my back, the same God who has carried me through all 39 of my years is the same one who is seeing me through and will continue to see me through. Everything I need, I already have in me and with me!
This is the resurrection! Thank you Lord! Happy Resurrection Day! I hope you find what you’re looking for.
Today I am most thankful for these girls, they have kept me here much longer than I ever imagined. Because of them my life gained a new purpose. Because of them I have a real relationship with my savior. I plan on spending today and the rest of my days teaching them what I learned the hard way.
XOXO,
MichelleRena
Amen