Came to me in meditation today. Last year Michelle and I talked about "doing it afraid"; "it" being anything and everything because that's the expansive energy that we are embodying. Anything is possible, right? But if I'm being real, those fears still linger.
As I sat with the thought and my journal, words started to flow almost like vomit. Uncontrollable. Uncomfortable. Raw....and honest.
I'm afraid of
Rejection, because I don't want to be alone.
Failure, because "they" will laugh at me or say "told you it was too big"
Newness, because the old has kept you.
Foreign, because the known is comforting.
Love, because you don't feel worthy.
Peace, because chaos is your norm.
So I sit there. Looking at the words. Knowing that it is how I have felt, and sometimes how I feel. The crazy thing though is one I didn't feel wrecked, and two, the only "I" statement was with rejection: "I don't want to be alone." I think that is probably the foundation of all the anxiety, fear, and worry. It's ugly, huh? When you get honest about why you compromise your values and and deny what you truly need all to be attached to a raggedy, half ass piece of love or affection that on its best day isn't worthy of being in the presence of your energy. But at the time, you couldn't see that. All you can see is that if you didn't, you'd be alone. (Yeah, I'm talking to me.)
Then I had to be realistic about my reality. Not what my inner critic wants me to believe, but what I see in my day to day life.
Rejection, Are you alone though? As people leave, new people await. When "your house" is full of things, how can you see and appreciate what you truly love, and in turn what truly loves you?
Failure, Fuck them folks. All we see is what they want us to see. The highlight reel. All of the highs and none of the lows.
Newness, The new you is no longer sustained by the old ways, patterns, and belief systems, so why are you continuing to rely on things that no longer hit the spot?
Foreign, Growth happens in the unknown. Change the location, change the thing (or the person)
Love, you were worthy before you took your first breath. You just need to broaden the view, and you will see that love has always been there.
Peace, Chaos keeps you from dealing with your shit. Your attention is elsewhere typically focused on someone else. To reach peace, you have to accept your role in the chaos, and acknowledge that while you speak of peace, the chaos feels more like home. Once you admit that yourself, then you can start to find better ways to get that fix. The tempest will calm, and the storm will cease.
If you took an assessment of why you hesitate to chase your goals, and live your wildest dreams,
“Peace, Chaos keeps you from dealing with your shit. Your attention is elsewhere typically focused on someone else. To reach peace, you have to accept your role in the chaos, and acknowledge that while you speak of peace, the chaos feels more like home. Once you admit that yourself, then you can start to find better ways to get that fix. The tempest will calm, and the storm will cease.” Well damn Mon! These is too true.